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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25831939">Impractical and Probably Illegal</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellybeanforest/pseuds/jellybeanforest'>jellybeanforest</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Creature Comforts: A Stony Anthology [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Bromance, Cap-Ironman Bingo, Cap_Ironman Tiny Reverse Bang, Discussions of Bottlenose Dolphin Male Pair Bonding, Frottage, Human Tony Stark, Interspecies Sex, M/M, Merman Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:21:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,093</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25831939</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellybeanforest/pseuds/jellybeanforest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A gorgeous merman pair bonds with deep sea diver Tony Stark. </p><p>For the 2020 Cap-IronMan Tiny Reverse Bang and Cap-IronMan Bingo 2020 Round 2 – Free Space. Loosely based on a prompt (ARMOUR) by DepressingGreenie (DarthBloodOrange).</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Rhodey" Rhodes &amp; Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Creature Comforts: A Stony Anthology [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041672</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>2020 Cap/Iron Man Tiny Reverse Bang, Captain America/Iron Man Bingo</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Impractical and Probably Illegal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/DepressingGreenie/gifts">DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie)</a>.</li>


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25252303">I Belong with You (You Belong with Me) [!Art]</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/DepressingGreenie/pseuds/DarthBloodOrange">DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie)</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I’m assuming that merpeople are mammals (due to presence of hair and breasts), and thus are closer to cetaceans than fish. This is further supported by the presence of horizontal tail fins (more dolphin-like) as opposed to vertical tail fins (more fish-like). </p><p>Also, I’m adopting the bottlenose dolphin society for merpeople but without all the rape and murder. Pair bonds between male bottlenose dolphins are said to be some of the strongest and most long-lasting relationships in dolphin society. Male bottlenose dolphins rarely stick around females after mating, but pair bonds between males can last for decades until death and often includes non-reproductive sexual play. Dolphins may also gift prospective mates with sea sponges, and they have sex belly-to-belly.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Is today the day you’re going to break his heart?”</p><p>Tony looks over at Rhodey as he straps on his diving gear. “We’ve been over this.”</p><p>He’s wearing just the wetsuit today, much lighter and less bulky than the red-and-gold Atmospheric Diving Suit he had been using the first time he met and attracted the creature. They had thought it was the suit, but through many experiments involving Rhodey being sent down in the ADS instead, they had quickly learned the merman recognizes and responds to <em>Tony,</em> not his diving gear.</p><p>Rhodey shrugs, steps onto the diving platform. “I don’t know, man. Doesn’t it feel just a little bit wrong to take advantage of the guy? He may be a fish–”</p><p>“He’s not a fish. More like a dolphin. He has hair; that makes him a mammal.”</p><p>“Whatever. Point still stands. He trusts you – God knows why – and you’re going to abduct him from his home to be vivisected–”</p><p>“We aren’t going to cut into him–”</p><p>“–and studied like a lab rat–”</p><p>“The point of this expedition is scientific survey. He could teach us so much about convergent evolution and underwater adaptation–”</p><p>Rhodey rolls his eyes. “What about his mer-family? His mer-calves or whatever they’re called? What if they starve waiting for Daddy to come home?”</p><p>But Tony is ultimately unimpressed, unswayed by such a ridiculous argument. “You and I both know he’s solitary, and besides, he’s been following us for days.”</p><p>“Following you,” Rhodey points out.</p><p>“So he has a little crush–”</p><p>“That you’re planning to take advantage of. I mean… look at him,” he says as they both look out over the side of the boat to see the merman swimming a few feet away, his blonde mop of hair breaking the surface as he crests in a backflip, showing off his abs. “You know, if he had two legs, he’d be exactly your type.”</p><p>Tony scoffs, “Oh, come off it, honeybear. He can’t even speak.”</p><p>“Like I said: he’s perfect. You talk enough for the two of you as it is.” Rhodey spies the third member of their crew coming up the companionway, so he calls out, “Hey Pepper, you want to weigh in on Tony’s not-so-secret admirer here?”</p><p>She pops her head over the gunwale to observe their visitor, who turns wide blue eyes to Tony, chittering his delight. “Who? The merman? He seems sweet, but it would be impractical and probably illegal.”</p><p>“I’m not saying he should…” Rhodey makes a crude gesture with his hands. “I’m just saying we shouldn’t sell him to an underground dinner club.”</p><p>That has her stepping onto the platform. “What? You’re not seriously considering that, are you?” she tells Tony, clearly appalled. “I mean… he’s a little too on the human side for comfort, you know?”</p><p>Tony slips into his flippers. “Of course we aren’t selling him for food. Honeybear is just being dramatic.”</p><p>“Come on, Tones. You turn him into Sitwell, and he’s toast. We both know that.”</p><p>Pepper concurs. “He’s right. Steve isn’t safe with him.”</p><p>Tony pauses before strapping on his face mask, his eyes bugging out. “You named him? I can’t believe you named him. You should never name potential specimens. That’s how you get attached!”</p><p>There’s a wet squelch as all three look down at Tony’s feet to find the sea sponge ‘Steve’ had tossed onboard.</p><p>“Looks like lover-boy is calling. He even brought you a gift,” Rhodey says flatly.</p><p>Tony can’t help himself. “You sure he isn’t a cat-fish?”</p><p>“…That’s just awful,” Rhodey admonishes him. “If you’re not in the water in the next five seconds, I’m throwing you overboard.”</p><p>“Don’t be a sourpuss.” Tony straps on his face mask.</p><p>“One.”</p><p>He sits down on the edge facing his crew. “If the studly merman drowns me for sport, promise you’ll avenge me.”</p><p>“Two.”</p><p>“Alright, I’m going; I’m going.”</p><p>“Three.”</p><p>Tony secures his mouthpiece and tumbles backwards into the water.</p><p>The creature is elated. He circles Tony, rubbing against the wetsuit, being careful of the breathing apparatus and miniature camera as he twines his tail around Tony’s legs. Tony has to admit, it’s kind of endearing, like an overexcited puppy. Once the merman has greeted him properly, he grabs his hand and pulls him further from the boat, down into the deep. It had made Tony wary the first few times, but now he is mostly comfortable, wondering what the creature wants to do this time. Maybe he wants to show him a coral reef or how to fish. The merman seemed to think Tony a hapless fisherman at risk of starvation with the way he kept presenting him with dead and wriggling fish he had caught to feed his new companion. It had proven invaluable research, recording how the merman hunted and behaved in his natural habitat. Maybe after, when they got him his own enclosure, they could include enrichment activities for him, to study how he interacts and learns? Tony’s stomach twists at the thought, but he attributes the feeling to indigestion. None of his crew, himself included, is particularly adept in the kitchen.</p><p>Once they have gotten a certain distance away, the merman seems content to simply swim with Tony. He pets and rubs up against him, seemingly obsessed with the feel of the slick black neoprene, testing the give of Tony’s muscles, so different from the metal ADS. He positions himself underneath Tony, facing him belly to belly, as he nudges his shoulder with his cheek. Tony pats him on his chest.</p><p><em>There, there,</em> he thinks.</p><p>That must mean something to the merman, because he arches his back to rub himself full-body against Tony’s ventral side, and–</p><p><em>What the fuck is that?</em> Tony feels something firm pressing at the join of his thighs. He looks down.</p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>Hidden in the intricate design of his tail is a genital slit that now parts, a generously-endowed penis protruding from within. It’s pink, a bright contrast to the blue of his tail, larger at the base then tapering off to a rounded head at the tip instead of the characteristic point of a cetacean, the equipment almost human for a sea mammal.</p><p>The merman is making a low, pleased-sounding rumble as he skims his teeth along Tony’s collar, his dick rubbing against Tony and hands reaching for the correlating spot on the diver, only to find his lower body smooth. He pulls away then, openly ogling the unblemished neoprene, as he circles Tony, trying to find the slit. Tony follows his motion, spinning in place until the merman settles behind him, his arms encompassing his waist, pulling the diver close to rub his dick low along the closed seam of the suit’s back zipper just over Tony’s ass.</p><p>Tony jerks away immediately, turning abruptly to face the merman, bubbles escaping in a flurry from his mouthpiece. Water is seeping in, and he feels the need to surface, so he heads towards the light above. Luckily, the merman lets him go, following him up until he breaks the surface.</p><p>Tony tears the mouthpiece from his face as he treads water. “What the fuck was that?” he asks Steve, who now looks a touch sheepish at the censure in his tone. “Did you just… what? I mean… was that your – that couldn’t be,” he rambles. “But it was. That was your dick, right?”</p><p>Steve flinches. He looks downright devastated that Tony doesn’t return his affections, on the verge of tears as he turns heel to dive away from Tony.</p><p>If the merman leaves now, Tony will never see him again.</p><p>“Wait!” Tony says, reaching out to grasp his shoulder. “It’s– it’s okay. I know you couldn’t have possibly meant it.” Maybe merpeople are just like that, extra-sexual with people they like.</p><p>Tony knows a thing or two about that.</p><p>And Rhodey is right; it’s not like Tony doesn’t find the guy attractive. Quite the opposite actually. Hell, if Steve had been human…</p><p>The smoldering look Steve is giving him now is human enough as he glides closer into Tony’s personal space. He raises a hand to tilt Tony’s chin back, lips meeting Tony’s in a deep kiss, the fingers of his other hand slipping behind to finger the zipped seam over Tony’s ass.</p><p>Tony’s mind goes fuzzy, a familiar heat curling in his belly as he holds onto Steve, pulls him closer to feel the swell of his dick against his leg. Distantly, he thinks about how this is probably a terrible idea, absolutely awful, and will only end in tears and regret, chased down by a fifth of scotch. He should stop…</p><p>But then again, Tony Stark will try anything at least once.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>His wetsuit stripped down to his waist, legs dangling in the water and hair mussed up and dripping, Tony sits at the stern-side diving platform, his head in his hands as he breathes in slow and deep. Steve swims alongside him, making sad sounds as he reaches out to touch Tony’s knee.</p><p>“This is all your fault, you know,” Tony mumbles, dropping his hands to glare at Steve.</p><p>Steve chitters happily now that Tony has acknowledged him. He draws closer, rubbing his cheek against Tony’s thigh.</p><p>Tony sighs and runs his fingers through the merman's slick hair. It’s thick, almost fur-like, and very silky. “What am I going to do with you?”</p><p>Tony already knows what he’s not going to do.</p><p>Suddenly, Steve flops away, diving under the surface as Rhodey approaches.</p><p>“So, how’d it go with Steve?”</p><p>There's a beat, then: “…We can’t turn him in to Sitwell,” Tony states.</p><p>“Finally! That’s what I’ve been saying all this– Wait, why are you agreeing with me all of the sudden?” Rhodey asks, his tone suspicious.</p><p>“It’s the only viable answer to a very difficult ethical dilemma,” Tony says, very carefully, staring at his hands. “I can’t turn him in now.”</p><p>“…What is the nature of this ‘very difficult ethical dilemma’?”</p><p>Tony looks out at the slowly undulating water, deep blue and serene. He can’t quite meet Rhodey’s eye as he tells him, “Look, sometimes you’re swimming next to a merman, and… well, things happen that are beyond your control–”</p><p>“Right…”</p><p>“And– and you can’t in good conscience sentence him to life in a cage. A very nice cage, mind you – I’m not a complete monster – but still. The situation has changed.”</p><p>Steve reappears, throwing a flopping fish onto the platform. He flips backwards, showing his belly before arcing into the water. The motion puts the genital slit in his tail (now that Tony knows it’s there) on crude display.</p><p>“Tones… did you have sex with the fish man?”</p><p>Tony mumbles, “He’s not a fish.”</p><p>And now Rhodey just seems horrified. “Jesus… How is that even possible? Where’s his– I mean, even for you–”</p><p>Tony glances up at his friend and fellow crewman. “Hey, he initiated it! And… well, look at him. He’s very pretty.” Steve swims closer to Tony, the skin of his toned arms glistening in the sun. “I don’t know, subjecting him to scientific study now just feels very wrong, like… like that has to be domestic abuse. Involuntary experimentation counts, right?”</p><p>Steve plants his hands on either side of Tony’s legs, pulling up in front of Tony and allowing the man to cup his cheek fondly.</p><p>“…Right.” Rhodey coughs, scratches the back of his neck as he looks away awkwardly. “I can’t believe I have to clarify this, but you know I was kidding about him being the perfect man for you, don’t you? You can’t like… keep him in your bathtub or something. Pepper’s right; it’s completely impractical and probably illegal.”</p><p>“I have a houseboat,” Tony points out.</p><p>“Docked in a crowded wharf.”</p><p>“It doesn’t have to be,” he says. Steve slides more fully into the water, but he’s pulling on Tony’s hand, trying to coax him back. “I’m a genius; I’ll figure it out.” Tony turns to look up at Rhodey. “Pepper already likes him, so she’s not going to say anything, and neither are you. Let’s be real. You’re not going to rat me out, are you honeybear?”</p><p>And now Steve is following Tony’s gaze to look up at Rhodey, too, and damn are his puppy-dog eyes convincing.</p><p>Rhodey closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I can’t believe I’m aiding and abetting your deviance–”</p><p>“It wouldn’t be the first time.”</p><p>He looks back at Steve, who is now making a soft trilling noise. “If you adopt guppies or whatever, you’re naming one of them James.”</p><p>“…Deal.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Eventually, Tony builds a human-merman translator, and the first thing Steve tells him is how concerned he is that in all the time he has known him, Tony has not once been able to catch and eat a fish. He wonders if Tony is a sentient form of blue-green algae, living off sunlight, and if that’s why he stays above the surface, so he doesn’t starve to death.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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